Kittin Allen
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A book about finding redemption and a second chance at life in the most unexpected of places, of letting go of the past and losing a mate, and allowing yourself to feel again, to smile again, to begin to heal when you feel like you should never be allowed to be happy again. It is a book of finding love again after the passing of a spouse, and the inevitable feelings of betrayal and self loathing that one feels when faced with the possibility of feeling something for someone new. It is about realizing that loving someone new isnt forgetting your lost love, or replacing them, that the heart doesn't get smaller when love is lost, and then finding another fills it back up again...the heart is like a corridor, and that closing the door on the past love and opening another for a new one does nothing to diminish or destroy that past love, that there is no scale weighing one love over the other, no finger in the sky pointing accusingly... no mason waiting to brick over the door to love, devotion, happiness, and memories of the lost love, so that you can not remember the person or how you shared your life with them. The book shows finding love again after the tragedy of losing ones wife, and of the patience, the understanding, the acceptance (of both the person and their lost spouse) and the respect freely offered from the new love to the lost love whos life was cut so short so tragically. It shows a female (eventually) unwilling to accept less love and devotion than she should be due, but also who respects and helps hold the memory of the lost love like a treasure, who understands that a love like the one who came before is rare and beautiful, and that the woman who died is not to be forgotten, discarded in jealousy and self-comparison, but revered and cherished, given its space to be present in the relationship without taking anything away from the current love shared. The understanding that the lost female is very much still a part of the male, and that he was given a rare chance to find another powerful love, incredibly rare and a sacred thing. This book shows the selfishness needed to find yourself and rise from extreme trauma, to find forgiveness in and for yourself for things beyond your control...that were never within your control no matter how many "if only I..." one can think of to take the blame upon themself. It is about allowing good things to happen to you, however unexpected and unwelcome they are, of finding life again after wishing and courting death. Its about finding you can love again and be loved again. That the only one who hates and blames you is YOU. Its about finding that you are worth more than you think, and while you felt sorry for yourself, wished for death, disappeared from the land of the living in your despair, fear, disgust, self loathing, blame, and pain....that those left behind were also dealing with those emotions, and without the comfort of their only living parent, their ties to family cut through tradegy and then again through pain and anguish, until no trace of family or love was left for them. And of the hope to get a thread of that family back, the distrust and building walls because they dont believe they are worth their parent or child nor do they want to hope that the thin thread of connection will strengthen and grow instead of snap and disappear again. Its of realizing that what you think might help someone (even yourself) heal and mourn and recover best is not always the best way. That until you accept the loss, that there is no coming back, the person is gone, and admitting it does not diminish your love but sets it ...and you...free....then there is no program to recovery, that it is an addiction and until that addict is willing to let go of what they perceive as control, and they WANT to change, that there will be no change, no chance for love or happiness ever again.
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