“The teaching of creative writing just entered a whole new era . . . Heavens, what a joy this book is.” —Lynne Truss, New York Times–bestselling author of Eats, Shoots & Leaves

“What do you think of my fiction book writing?” the aspiring novelist extorted.

“Darn,” the editor hectored, in turn. “I can not publish your novel! It is full of what we in the business call ‘really awful writing.’”

“But how shall I absolve this dilemma? I have already read every tome available on how to write well and get published!” The writer tossed his head about, wildly.

“It might help,” opined the blonde editor, helpfully, “to ponder how NOT to write a novel, so you might avoid the very thing!”

Many writing books offer sound advice on how to write well. This is not one of those books. On the contrary, this is a collection of terrible, awkward, and laughably unreadable excerpts that will teach you what to avoid—at all costs—if you ever want your novel published.

The authors of How Not to Write a Novel distill their decades of combined experience in teaching, editing, writing, and reviewing fiction to bring you real advice from the other side of the query letter. Rather than telling you how or what to write, they identify 200 common mistakes unconsciously made by writers and teach you to recognize, avoid, and amend them. With hilarious examples to demonstrate each manuscript-mangling error, they help you troubleshoot your beginnings and endings, bad guys, love interests, style, jokes, perspective, voice, and more. As funny as it is useful, this essential how-NOT-to guide will help you get your manuscript out of the slush pile and into the bookstore.

“A great resource, this tongue-in-cheek guide is a fun read with a lot of solid advice.” —Publishers Weekly

“This writing how-to should carry a warning: it’s the kind of book one reads at the expense of other responsibilities. . . . a surprisingly distinctive approach.” —Library Journal

“Hilarious, wickedly observed and deeply useful.” — The Observer

“An invaluable guide.” —The Independent

Howard Mittelmark